Self-Torturing 101: The Devices and their effects

My last post was about seeing the orange and yellow in blue, to consciously make an effort to stay positive. But, life isn’t a bed of roses, it’s a balance of good and bad. Throughout religious philosophies, life is supposed to be a mix of happy and sad things, a war between good and evil, the wheel of karma. We need a dose of bad to remind us of the good things in life.

However, humans, the fascinating and mind-bogglingly complex species that we already are, have this uncanny tendency to tend towards masochism or self-pity or Meena Kumari complex as if life itself wasn’t complex enough that we have to give ourselves complexes.

In some people, it is, unfortunately, a medical condition for numerous reasons. This blog is NOT about them and does not refer to them.

This blog is about so-called normal people, inclined to make their lives, and of those around them, a hot mess, despite knowing better.

Self-Torturing 101: The Devices and their effects

  1. Saas-bahu serials – This is an extremely addictive method of slowly and surely destroying the reasoning of ANY subject, irrespective of age and gender. However, this torture device is meant specifically for married women in the demographic of 30 and above, and the initial one or two exposures are enough to damage the subject on a long term basis. Whatever is remaining of the subject’s mental faculties, is going to die a slow, painful and silent death. And the mental faculties of those around the subject, will burn like Rome and scream like a banshee. The family of the subject can be identified by the unnecessary bickering in the house. The subject can be identified by an increasing belly and a declining taste in clothing and specifically asking for clothes worn by a particular character in a serial while shopping. Unfortunately, there is no cure upon exposure. Religious therapy has shown little effect on such subjects, even throwing the TV away will not work. Any attempt to limit the exposure of the subject will result in increased addiction and violent outbursts in the house. The subject is to be handled with EXTREME caution.

WARNING: It is extremely contagious in similar age groups.

  1. A certain segment of Bollywood Movies- the new and specialised devices of torture which deserve honorific mention are- Humshakals, Dhoom3, movies starring Tushar Kapoor, Joker, Tees Maar Khan, Jai Ho…the list is endless….The effect of this segment of Bollywood movies is a subtle but long-term brain damage, early symptoms include mind-numbing, rage towards the director, actors, critics who reviewed the movie, and even the ticket vendor. At a slightly advanced stage subject may also experience a compulsive urge to go and bash his head against the wall multiple times to resume some brain function. It is advisable not to stop the subject from doing so. Even though there is no guarantee that it’ll work, it is the Indian way of kick starting things again, and often shows desirable results. However, frequent head bashing isn’t advisable, as it may result in physical damage to the brain.
  1. Visiting relatives – well, this particular kind of torture technique, is also applicable to certain types of relatives and isn’t pan-relative. The subject may appear quiet for a length of time when in reality the brain-cells of the subject are screaming themselves to death to avoid the unbearable torture of family gossip. The only hope of recovery lies in quarantining the subject from such relatives for a substantial period.
  1. The weather report – Especially reading the temperature after every 10 mins in peak  summer, the subject has a chance of recovery, if the weather app is deleted from their smartphone. Newspaper forecasts and weather reports on TV should also be avoided to ensure a smooth recovery.
  1. The Twilight series – initially the subject is drawn towards it like a bug towards the light. But this is a Venus flytrap, once caught, there is no way out. The recovery is nigh impossible. The subject will suffer long-term effects of brain damage by believing in “vegetarian vampires”, showing deranged affection towards dogs and wolves, and quoting lines from this potent torture device. Daydreaming about vampires is an early symptom. Unfortunately, the remedy of head bashing against a wall increases the potency of this torture device as the subject may believe herself to be Bella Swan, attempting a life-risk to induce hallucinations of Edward Cullen.

If you have been subjected to any one of the above, indirectly or unwillingly; you have my deepest sympathies.  If however you choose to turn your life into a miserable living hell……


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